Ok, this post is more life related than travel related, and I feel silly for doing it, but I'm in a writing mood and just want to get it out. So here goes.
I've spent most of my life thinking I don't know how to talk to boys, and I've had a bit of self-esteem issues when it comes to thinking a guy could possibly ever be attracted to me. But, since coming to Ireland, and getting hit on by a substantial amount of guys, I've realized that yes, I am attractive in my own way, and it is possible. But still when boys have approached me, I've gotten so nervous and felt like I couldn't think of anything witty enough to say to keep their interest, and I think even the possibility something COULD happen scares me too. Probably the sweetest thing that happened was at the end of Famous Couples Night, this boy named Paddy asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said No he seemed genuinely shocked and told me he couldn't believe it. I guess my dance moves must have actually been somewhat decent.
And there's NO WAY I could ever approach a guy and start a conversation, especially in a loud pub as I learned the other night.
A couple weeks ago at Stables, I was slightly intoxicated, and was feeling pretty good and noticed Colleen was talking to this guy and he had a friend who is SOOOO cute. So I just jumped in and was like "Hey what's up" and we talked for a little while. It was so loud from the music, but I think he said his name was Dave. But I thought he was really really cute but it got hard to talk because I had to like literally shout at him, and eventually ran out of things to say and kind of just scampered off to see what everyone else was up to. I waved to him later when we made eye contact. He was there the next night too, when we went back for Famous Couples Night. I was pretty sure there was mutual checking out...but I didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. But I started to think that maybe he could be my Gerard Butler...minus the future brain tumor. . I had this fantasy for almost the entire time preparing to come to Ireland that I'd meet a buy and bring him back to the States for my sister's wedding. I mean, I wasn't realistically expecting the whole get married part, but I just mean in the sense the hot guy I meet in Ireland. I had an epiphany that Saturday that I was finally going to stop being afraid to approach guys and that when I saw him next I'd strike up a conversation. But like many of my epiphanies, the feeling has worn off.
Well, the next time I saw him was about 2 weeks after we met. He was there at 90s night this past Friday. And he kept looking in my direction. The self-confident part of me said "hey he's looking at me" but always in the back of my head is the modest "don't be so full of yourself" part that says he is just looking in my general direction. I REALLY wanted to talk to him, but I was afraid a) he didn't remember me or b) he remembered me but had no interest in seeing me again. I kept trying to get closer and hoping he'd talk to me but he didn't say anything so was afraid I was just looking like a creepy stalker. I thought maybe if I had more of my liquid courage I'd finally get over my fear, so I ended buying more drinks than I planned to. But the alcohol had no effect since I was already nervous. Kathleen could tell something was up with me, because I was starting to say to myself "You're not going to talk to him and you're going to blow another opportunity to meet someone." She kept telling me I should talk to him and she'd help me, but the idea of actually doing it made me all giggly and stupid. We finally got towards and I finally just said "Hi how are you?" all casually as we walked by. I felt really stupid. He did reply, but he didn't come over to talk to me later either. I went home feeling really crappy and stupid. I do have my excuses I suppose: I hate trying to talk in a loud bar, he was with his friends and it is hard enough for me to impress one guy, but to walk in on a whole group....
I realize I get too worked up about it and it's not the end of the world, but I keep telling myself I'm in Ireland! I need to take more chances and want to possibly have some kind of romance. I guess what is going to work for me best though is to not necessarily meet that guy in a dance club or bar...somewhere where we can actually have a conversation without shouting at each other? If anyone who is reading this has ANY input whatsoever and has experience with guys, please tell me what to do. My mom always tells me Boys are just as shy too, and I kept telling myself that hey, maybe he WAS too shy to talk to me, even though I honestly don't find myself that intimidating haha. And he WAS mainly only talking to his friends, like he was for the most part the last Friday night I saw him and the night I met with him. So he doesn't seem like too much of a ladies man. Unless he has a girlfriend he's in a long distance relationship with. Or just spends his Friday nights with his buddies. Or he's possibly gay. But then...I think I listened too intently to the movie He's Just Not That in to you and kept hearing Justin Long saying "If a guy wants to be with you, he will make it happen." So I was starting to take his not-talking to me as a sign of no interest. Which maybe it was. I just need to not beat myself up and thinking I missed out on something. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
Like I said, if anyone reading this, whether you're a "Follower" or not, and you have any sort of advice and can give me any chance of meeting a guy before May 19, please dispense it.
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